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Beyond The Clef: Life and The Art of Bass Playing  

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General Musician Jokes

What's the difference between a musician and a Mutual Fund?
One will eventually mature and make some money.
Thanks to Barry G.

What do you call a banjo player at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
A Good Start.
Thanks to Stacy T.

What's the difference between a musician and a large Pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What do you say to a musician in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise..."

Why is the piano used in bands?
So musicians have a place to put their beers.

How can a musician make a million dollars playing?
Start with two million.

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Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first one, "What was your last job and annual salary?" The first soul replied, "$200,000; I was a trial lawyer." St. Peter asked the second one the same question. The soul answered, "$95,000; I was a realtor." St. Peter then asked the third soul the same question. The answer was "$10,000." Before he could go on, St. Peter immediately said "Cool! What instrument did you play?"

St. Peter was checking in three recently departed souls. "What did you do on Earth?" he asked the first one. "I was a surgeon; I helped the lame to walk." "Go right in through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter. "What did you do on Earth?" he asked the second one. "I was a teacher; I taught the blind to see." "Go right in through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter." "And what did you do on Earth?" he asked the third one. "I was a musician; I brought joy to sad people." "Good--you can load in through the kitchen," said St. Peter.

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What's does a stripper do with her asshole right before she goes to work?
Drop him off at rehersal.

What did Kenny G and John Tesch say when they walked into the elevator?
"Man, this place is happenin'!"

What does it say on a blues player's gravestone?
"I didn't wake up this morning"

If there really is a Devil who is out to destroy the universe by means of vile conspiracies, and if God decides to deliver this message to humanity, He will not use Oliver Stone as His messenger. But John Williams will write the score.

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
 
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends; I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
 
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
 
As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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A trombone player and an accordian player are doing a New Year's gig at a local club. The place is packed and everybody is loving the music. Shortly after midnight, the owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys are terrific--everybody is raving about the music. Would you like book here for next New Year's Eve?" The two musicians look excitedly at each other, nod agreement, and then turn to the club owner and say, "Sure, we'd love to. Is it OK if we leave our equipment here?"

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Singer Jokes

How many female vocalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. She holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around her.
Thanks to Stacy T.

How do you know when there's a singer at your front door?
Because he can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

What did the drummer ask the singer?
"Do you want this too fast or too slow?"

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Drummer Jokes

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

How can you tell if the band stage is perfectly level?
The drumer drools from both sides of his mouth.
Thanks to Barry G.

How do you know there's a drummer at your front door?
Because the knocking gradually gets faster and faster and faster...

What does a drummer say right before he gets fired?
"How about if we play one of my original tunes?"

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

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Keyboard Player Jokes

If an agent and a keyboard player are standing in the road, which one should you run over first?
The agent - business before pleasure!

If Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and a keyboard player walked into a room, and you only had two bullets, who should you shoot?
The keyboard player...twice.

What did the keyboard player say when the bass player asked him how to spell "Mississippi?"
"The river or the state?"

How do you get a keyboard player away from your front door?
Pay for the pizza.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a keyboard player's arm?
A tattoo.

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Guitar Player Jokes

What does a guitar player ask when showing up for a gig?
1. What do I plug in?
2. What do I play?
3. Can I run a tab?
Thanks to Tom S.

How do you make a guitar player turn down?
Put a chart in front of him.

What do you call a building full of guitar players?
Jail.

Why do scientists prefer to use guitar players over rats for experiments?
Because they breed faster and people don't get attached to them.

Did you hear about the guitarist who played in tune?
Neither did I...

A guitarist named Alex Opornockity played a whole concert with a flat 'B' string. It seems Opornockity only tunes once.

Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales. Each contributed the one he knew.

Why do guitar players like to tour in the summer?
So they can visit all their kids.

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Bass Player Jokes

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None; the keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
Thanks to Chris Howard

What do you throw to a drowning bass player?
His amp.
Thanks to Vinny K.

What are the three most difficult years in a bass player's life?
Second grade.

If a drummer and a bass player fall off a building at the same time, who will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between an electric bass and an upright bass?
The upright burns longer.

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A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."

During his first lesson the student was given four notes to practice on just the first string of his bass guitar. The next week he was given four more notes to practice on just the second string. After that, the student never returned for another lesson. A year later the teacher met him on the street. After exchanging pleasantries, the teacher asked: "Aren't you going to continue with your lessons?" "Oh yes, I've been meaning to," the student replied "but I just can't find the time. I've been getting so much work..."

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Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing   (attributed to Tony Levin)

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

Yea, and it was so.

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Classical Jokes

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

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How many musician jokes are there?
Just one - all the rest are true.

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